Who am I treating my kids well for?
This one gets me quite emotional, as I’ve spent a considerable amount of focus on this issue around the way I treat my kids and why. Lots of deep emotional pain arises when I think back on how I’ve passed down generational trauma onto my kids. At least now, I have a growing awareness around what I’m doing and why. I can begin to catch myself before reacting, and begin to respond instead.
If I find myself being kind, more patient and present with my kids’ needs when I’m out with others or in public, what does that say about who I am serving? Who am I ‘being a good dad” for, if I only do it in public? If I’m a grump at home when it’s just us, it seems to me that it points to a dynamic where I care more about what I look like as a father, rather than how I consistently father.
Our kids deserve consistency from us, and mindfulness practices have been key in developing a mindset of presence around them. They change so rapidly, what works one week can seem patronizing the next.
One of the most profound experiences I’ve had, thanks to cultivating presence in my life was a few years ago. I walked into the room with my 2 boys fighting about something. I could feel that familiar boil, that sharp rage surfacing, and just before opening my mouth, I had a flash of insight that changed my perspective immensely. I could see my Inner Child, represented by my 2 boys & reflected back to me. I could see the pain and anger and insecurity and uncertainty that hung in the air. I looked into the eyes of my Inner Child and asked what he needed to hear in this situation, as his response reflected what my boys needed to hear, because it’s what I needed to hear. Effortlessly, out of my mouth flowed, “Hi, can I help you boys figure anything out?”. Nothing overly profound, but I was astonished at the genuine gentleness & healing in my tone. The rest of the evening was filled with connection and love, and experience that I would’ve missed out on if I had done the normal rant about fighting and treating each other better.
Meditate, people. Know what your Inner Child needs to hear, then speak those truths to the world. Be the parent that you needed, to yourself and to others.