How to Sit with Fury and with Responsibility and with Love
I recognized in myself, when I hear someone say that I need to take more responsibility in my life, I feel a twinge of indignation. There’s a frustration that sticks a knife in my peace. I wanted them to be wrong about me. After all, I have a special reason for why my life isn’t as good as it could be, for why my plans didn’t work out.
Throughout my sitting in this space of discomfort, I’ve seen my reflection and the illusion for what it is. I don’t know how to take responsibility. I don’t know how to go through this process to begin making the decision that align with my values. I was not taught how to do this…and I imagine I’m not alone.
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The disgust was building. I could feel that guilty anger welling up in me. How could I have been so callous and grim to my precious son all those years? How could be blind to his needs for my comfort and my guidance? I have such tremendous ability care for the needs of others, I believe this shows up in my life regularly. But somehow, what my son reflected back to me was my perception that I was across a chasm from the Love that I so desperately sought. He illuminated a part of me that felt like a fraud. My lack and my need to control was the filter I saw my life through.
The caustic brew moved through my mind, yet I found stillness. The desire to run fluttered like bats evading their home. A scurry of shadowy ROUS’s pummels across my being with their terror. I thought, ‘Just open my eyes, distract myself with some instagram or that bangin’ guac that’s in the fridge. Remember, it’s got extra garlic’. Yet, I found stillness again.
I love you
I love and accept you, fully.
The words came hesitantly at first. After repeating them again and again and again, they came with more force, more power, more all-encompassing compassion and kindness. The acid tears cut through the bile, the muck, the stone encrusting my heart . Transmutation illuminates into a shimmering glow, I’m released from my spell of pain to feel all its glorious warmth and electricity. I’m home, I’m safe and I have unending freedom to allow Love to pour out of me. I bask in gratitude, bless the elements, and begin to envision a new life of giving to my children
Not only is it my responsibility to Love, it is now my absolute privilege and blessing to be initiated. The chasm closes, and I’m called home to commune with a new Way of life that continues to lure me into greater Truth, greater Freedom.
This is sitting with Darkness to find the Light.
This is shadow work
This is my birthright
To accept all there is to expand my vessel
To become the Love that I’ve been searching for
To become the magik that I dream of seeing
To take responsibility
To allow guilt to show me a better way
Guilt serve me, now
I am love
I am magik
I Am